Learning to Lead with Love

How Emotion Coaching Can Shape Me into the Mom I Want to Be

My biggest dream is to be a wife and a mother one day. I know I still have time before I start a family of my own, I’ve already seen how much impact parenting can have and especially when it comes to emotions. Between babysitting, spending countless hours with 12 nieces and nephews, and taking college parenting classes, I’ve started to understand that parenting isn’t just about rules and routines. It’s about the connection we have with our children.

One concept that really stood out to me is emotion coaching. It’s a parenting style introduced by Dr. John Gottman, and it completely changed how I view discipline and relationships with kids. Emotion coaching is basically when a parent helps their child understand what they’re feeling and shows them that it’s okay to feel that way. It’s not about ignoring emotions or shutting them down. Instead, it’s about recognizing feelings, helping name them, and teaching how to respond in a healthy, respectful way (Gottman, 2009).

In a powerful interview, Dr. Gottman explained that when parents are emotionally connected with their kids, especially from infancy, it affects everything from their confidence to their brain development. He said, “The real cradle that the baby is nursed in is the emotional climate between parents” (Gottman, 2009). That quote made me think a lot about how the relationship between parents can make a big difference. This helps me realize that choosing a good spouse will directly influence how well our children grow and develop. It shows that emotional awareness isn’t just a helpful parenting skill but it’s the foundation for a healthy, nurturing home.

Dr. Gottman outlines five key steps for emotion coaching:

Notice your child’s emotions, even the small ones.

View their emotions as opportunities to connect and teach.

Listen empathetically and validate what they’re feeling.

Help them name their emotions.

Set boundaries when needed, and guide them through problem-solving (Gottman, 2009).

These steps seem so simple, but the impact is huge. For example, when a child has a meltdown, instead of saying “Stop crying” or “Go to your room,” an emotion-coaching parent might say, “You look really upset. Are you feeling frustrated because your toy broke?” That small shift communicates understanding and respect. It says, “I see you. I hear you. And I want to help you, not just fix you.”

A 2016 study found that when parents were supported in developing emotion coaching skills, their children demonstrated greater emotional control. This supports other research linking emotion coaching to improved social and emotional development in children (Loop & Riskam, 2016) Research shows that children who understand their feelings and learn about their emotions have these advantages:

• They form stronger friendships with other children.

• They calm themselves down more quickly when they get upset.

• They do better in school.

• They handle their moods better and have fewer negative emotions.

• They get sick less often.

This approach connects perfectly with the gospel principles I’ve been studying, especially the importance of nurture, love, and respect. The 13th Article of Faith reminds us to focus on things that are pure, lovely, and praiseworthy. That applies to how we treat our children, too. When we respond to their emotions with compassion and calmness, we’re creating a home where love is not only present but visible. We’re raising kids who feel safe enough to explore the world, make mistakes, and still know they’re loved unconditionally.

I’ve seen this play out even with my nieces and nephews. One time, my nephew was throwing a fit because he couldn’t have another cookie. Normally, the go-to reaction might be to send him to time-out or raise our voices. But instead, I got on his level and asked what was bothering him. He said he was “so mad because he wanted one more.” I validated his feelings and said, “I get it. cookies are yum, and it’s hard when we can’t have more.” I then reminded him of the rule and let him help me put the rest away. His whole mood shifted. He felt understood and he calmed down without needing punishment.

I know parenting will have its hard days, and I won’t always get it right. But I believe emotion coaching can help me become the kind of mom I want to be, and that is someone who doesn’t just discipline, but also teaches; someone who doesn’t just respond, but truly connects. For now, I’m grateful I get to practice this with the children already in my life. And one day, when I have kids of my own, I hope they’ll grow up knowing that their feelings are valid, that their home is a safe place to express themselves, and that love isn’t something they have to earn but that it’s something they can always count on.

Gottman, J. (2009, November 1). Emotional Health | Dr. John Gottman | Relationship Advice [Youtube video].

Loop, L., & Roskam, I. (2016). Do children behave better when parents’ emotion coaching practices are stimulated? A micro‑trial study. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25(7), 2223–2235. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-016-0382-0