Preparing My Heart for Motherhood
Looking Beyond the Pink and Blue
I’ve always imagined being a great mom as part of my future. Being around my nieces and nephews has given me some early insight into the world of parenting, and lately, I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about it because of a class I’m taking. We’re studying The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg, and this week we explored how gender plays a role in how parents raise their kids. It really made me step back and ask myself, when the time comes, how will I raise my children to feel seen, understood, and supported?
In class, I read a story from a BYU–Idaho professor about her neighbor who had very traditional gender expectations when it came to parenting. The neighbor was kind and well-meaning, but her approach to raising her kids really stood out to me. Her daughter was expected to do most of the housework, follow very strict dating rules, and basically put her future career goals aside in favor of getting married and becoming a mother. On the other hand, her sons had very few responsibilities at home, could date freely, and were pushed to go to college and aim for high-paying jobs.
Hearing that story made me think about how unfair that kind of parenting can be. It limits girls and puts a lot of pressure on them to fit into a specific mold, while boys are often given more freedom and encouragement to explore their potential. What really had me thinking was how those messages affect kids long-term and how daughters might grow up feeling like their worth depends only on who they marry or how well they manage a household, and sons might never learn the value of contributing at home or being emotionally supportive.
This kind of imbalance can create resentment and confusion, and it can really damage a child’s confidence and identity. I realized how important it is for parents to base their expectations on each child's unique personality, interests, and abilities, not just on whether they’re a boy or a girl. All kids should feel equally valued, challenged, and supported in becoming their best selves. That story really opened my eyes to how subtle gender bias in parenting can be, and how important it is to raise children with fairness, love, and a focus on who they are as individuals.
One of the main takeaways for me was the idea that parenting should evolve as children grow. It sounds simple, but it’s easy to overlook. Steinberg talks about how flexibility is essential in parenting (Steinberg, 2017). What works with a toddler won’t necessarily work with a teenager. I’ve watched some of my siblings implement this as they try to parent older kids the same way they did when they were little, and it just causes conflict. I also see so many different personalities in my nieces and nephews. I am so amazed by how unique each one is. I want to be a parent who adjusts and listens, not someone who clings to the “right” way just because it worked once.
The conversation about gender really opened my eyes, too. I grew up with traditional roles girls' were expected to be caring and obedient, while boys were encouraged to be bold and independent. At the time, it felt normal. But looking back, I can see how uneven and limiting those messages were. One of the teachings from Steinberg that I’ve been thinking about is the concept that parenting is not about winning and losing, it’s about helping your child develop in healthy ways (Steinberg, 2017). It reminded me that parenting isn’t about control. It’s not about being right all the time or sticking to a script. It’s about really seeing your child and being willing to grow right alongside them. I want to be the kind of mom who’s not afraid to change course, admit mistakes, or rethink old assumptions. Every child is going to be wired differently, and good parenting means working with their unique nature, not against it. If I have a quiet, shy child, I don’t want to pressure them to be loud or outgoing. If I have a child who’s full of energy and always on the go, I’ll need to find positive ways to help them use that energy. If my son wants to play Barbie's with his sister, I will let him. Same for daughters who may want to play football in the yard with the boys. Parenting, at its core, is about meeting kids where they are by not forcing them to become who we think they should be.
Something else that stood out was the idea of being proactive instead of reactive. Steinberg encourages parents to learn about child development in advance and to be prepared for the changes that come with each stage (Steinberg, 2017). That made so much sense to me. I don’t want to be thrown off when my future child starts asserting independence or going through emotional shifts. If I can understand what’s developmentally normal ahead of time, I’ll be more patient and better equipped to support them.
Even though I’m still years away from having children, this material helped me take a serious look at the kind of parent I want to become. It’s not about perfection. It’s about flexibility, empathy, and doing the inner work now so I can show up for my future children in the best way possible.
Steinberg, L. (2017). Ten basic principles of good parenting (2017th ed.). Simon and Schuster.
This kind of imbalance can create resentment and confusion, and it can really damage a child’s confidence and identity. I realized how important it is for parents to base their expectations on each child's unique personality, interests, and abilities, not just on whether they’re a boy or a girl. All kids should feel equally valued, challenged, and supported in becoming their best selves. That story really opened my eyes to how subtle gender bias in parenting can be, and how important it is to raise children with fairness, love, and a focus on who they are as individuals.
One of the main takeaways for me was the idea that parenting should evolve as children grow. It sounds simple, but it’s easy to overlook. Steinberg talks about how flexibility is essential in parenting (Steinberg, 2017). What works with a toddler won’t necessarily work with a teenager. I’ve watched some of my siblings implement this as they try to parent older kids the same way they did when they were little, and it just causes conflict. I also see so many different personalities in my nieces and nephews. I am so amazed by how unique each one is. I want to be a parent who adjusts and listens, not someone who clings to the “right” way just because it worked once.
The conversation about gender really opened my eyes, too. I grew up with traditional roles girls' were expected to be caring and obedient, while boys were encouraged to be bold and independent. At the time, it felt normal. But looking back, I can see how uneven and limiting those messages were. One of the teachings from Steinberg that I’ve been thinking about is the concept that parenting is not about winning and losing, it’s about helping your child develop in healthy ways (Steinberg, 2017). It reminded me that parenting isn’t about control. It’s not about being right all the time or sticking to a script. It’s about really seeing your child and being willing to grow right alongside them. I want to be the kind of mom who’s not afraid to change course, admit mistakes, or rethink old assumptions. Every child is going to be wired differently, and good parenting means working with their unique nature, not against it. If I have a quiet, shy child, I don’t want to pressure them to be loud or outgoing. If I have a child who’s full of energy and always on the go, I’ll need to find positive ways to help them use that energy. If my son wants to play Barbie's with his sister, I will let him. Same for daughters who may want to play football in the yard with the boys. Parenting, at its core, is about meeting kids where they are by not forcing them to become who we think they should be.
Something else that stood out was the idea of being proactive instead of reactive. Steinberg encourages parents to learn about child development in advance and to be prepared for the changes that come with each stage (Steinberg, 2017). That made so much sense to me. I don’t want to be thrown off when my future child starts asserting independence or going through emotional shifts. If I can understand what’s developmentally normal ahead of time, I’ll be more patient and better equipped to support them.
Even though I’m still years away from having children, this material helped me take a serious look at the kind of parent I want to become. It’s not about perfection. It’s about flexibility, empathy, and doing the inner work now so I can show up for my future children in the best way possible.
Steinberg, L. (2017). Ten basic principles of good parenting (2017th ed.). Simon and Schuster.
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